Dear imaginary person who cares for me,

Do you ever just look at your body and realize wow I'm a huge living thing. If you think about it briefly it's pretty easy to die. The other day I heard a story about a woman who annoyed a cow that then trampled her to death - accidents are waiting to happen literally everywhere. Then on the other hand if you REALLY think about it you realize it's actually not easy at all. Of course stupid accidents happen but if you want to die you don't want to wait for that and you want a certain degree of control over it too. I'd call myself a person who is probably a little more educated on suicide methods than most people. Not on how to do it well unfortunately, just how to do it wrong. You'd be surprised to read about all the things that can go wrong. You can just get yourself paralyzed or you throw up something you swallowed and are then taken to a mental institution. I don't want to upset anyone who has experienced someone close to them succeeding in this but respect to that person who did it- killing a human ain't easy, especially if it's yourself. It's probably the gold discipline of killing. Anyone can shoot someone multiple times until they're dead but you can't shoot yourself multiple times, you only get one shot. Literally. I'm warming up to the idea of poisonous plants at the moment. I haven't researched enough yet but it seems you either die or live without any major consequences so it seems like an acceptable option. I was thinking I'll make a berry smoothie with a few plant parts, that way I won't even taste anything weird. It also seems like one of the nicest options considering someone has to find your body - anything with blood is certainly worse to look at. I've been asking my mom some very subtle "what if something happened to a child of yours" questions and I'm pretty sure she'd be ok. Sure I'm not denying she won't be sad for a few months and then maybe on the day of my passing every year but she'd be fine. Same goes for my 'friends'.. can't be that sad about someone you barely hang out with or talk to dying. Then there's my husband of course.. seems so ridiculous to call someone you basically don't interact with at all your husband. Well honestly I don't think there'd be a difference in his life if I were dead. If you don't interact with someone it doesn't really matter if that person is there or not - he wouldn't know. I could probably make some bot send him one or two messages a day and if noone tells him I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't realize I'm no longer alive for weeks. By the way I'm visiting him soon. I get stomach cramps just thinking about it. I'm already trying to think of places to hide if I start crying. I know he doesn't like it when I show emotions. Probably because most of the time those emotions are sadness. The biggest issue in the beginning is probably gonna be the airport when I arrive. I don't think he's gonna wanna hug me and I won't have the confidence to initiate anything but if he does do it for some reason I'm not sure I can keep my shit together. I was thinking I could run to the bathroom but I'd have to run there with two pieces of luggage and that's not fast enough and would draw attention which is an issue for my anxiety. I'll probably just go with dark sunglasses and my hair to hide behind. I kind of feel like this is the last hurdle I have to master before I'm finally allowed to die. My depression and anxiety are making me 90% sure that this trip is gonna be painful and it may just be the last push I've been needing to drink that smoothie. I wonder how he feels about it. I bet if I asked him the only answer I'd get is "I don't know".. 1-2 business days after I asked the question of course. So thanks for listening, blog that noone reads. You're my last resort since nobody else can be bothered to have a conversation with me.