Unsent letters to my husband

Because honestly, whoever read all my other posts so far might as well see this...

By posting this I am leaving it up to fate if he will ever read these letters or not because I don't think he remembers this blog but maybe one day he will.

I call them letters but they're kind of both a short diary and letters.

Please excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes, it was usually well after midnight when I was writing these.

Monday

It's almost 2 AM right now and I'm feeling lonely once again. I honestly wish I didn't care anymore at this point. It'd be great if one could build up an emotional pain tolerance. Like with physical pain, if you get hurt daily it won't be that bad after a while. Emotional pain doesn't seem to work like that, at least not for me.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I was thinking maybe it'll be therapeutic in some way. I doubt it can fix the hurricane in my head/heart but why not try. Wow the hurricane thing sounded weird.

So my highlight of the day was a walk. like most days tbh. There's nothing else to do rn. Btw if I write "right now" I don't mean right this moment, I mean more like in this part of my life right now.

My skin has gotten way worse. possibly the worst it's ever been. I have several scratch wounds mostly on my forehead. Even after putting on makeup, I'm genuinely ashamed to be seen even by my family.

Oh you just texted me. Nevermind you're going back to sleep. You didn't say 'I love you' again. You're probably just tired.

Tuesday

Today's one of the worst days so far. I tried to go to bed an hour ago but I started missing you so bad and I remembered the times when I could just reach over the bed and there you were.

I still don't know what the point of writing this is, if I'm ever gonna give it to you or not.

I tried something new tonight. People say if you're having mental health issues reach out to a friend but ofc everyone's asleep rn so now the only thing I achieved is that tomorrow I'll have to explain why at 2:30 AM I texted them to ask if they're awake... I'll probably be honest and tell them that I wasn't feeling well and was hoping to talk to them about sth. They'll say 'oh no I'm so sorry we can talk rn' and I'll decline because I need to be in a sad 3 AM mood to talk about sth like my mental health issues. So I'll just tell them 'oh no thanks so much but I'm actually fine now, must've been hormones or sth'.

So when noone responded to my messages I decided to just google my problems. Well I've found out long-distance relationship articles pretty much always end with 'just talk it out with your partner and he'll have your back and you'll feel better'. Noone considers that this might not be an option because your partner doesn't want to talk to you about stuff like that/just completely lost interest in interacting with you in any way/does in fact not have your back anymore. So what do you do - you turn to a torn-up piece of paper for help...

It's now officially been days since you last told me that you loved me. Even longer since you've told me and I actually felt like it was the truth.

Wednesday

I'm sure you remember that as a kid I was obsessed with horses. Specifically wild mustangs. To ride one you have to 'break' them first. I feel like my spirit is broken. I'm not fighting anymore at this point, I don't feel like doing anything anymore, I'll honestly just do what you want. You don't want to come back, you want to live in a house in your parents' backyard, honestly whatever... If you want me there I'll come, you don't because you're sick of me ok, you can marry another woman, have a family with her, be happy. Ofc I'll be sad but what can I do, it's your decision. I can just hope that you'll make decisions in my favor.

Yesterday I had a long talk with a friend and I said that one of my personality traits is loyalty. If I love someone I'll be loyal to that person even if it's not good for me. I guess it's both a strength and a weakness... So far it's been a weakness every single time... I was hoping this time would be different. That's up to you now.

I really miss you. Every night I'm sad because I feel lonely and I miss having you right next to me. I don't think you realize how many feelings are in those 3 words 'I miss you'. But like I said - if you don't see it you don't see it - nothing I can do about that.