Dreams

So here we are again... This time to talk about someone other than my mom.

Lately I've been having nightmares concerning my dad. Just last night for example I dreamed that he was chasing me in some jungle. I don't remember why, I don't think there was a reason but I do remember that in the end I got so tired of running I jumped off a cliff. My last thoughts were What's the point in running, in the end he's going to catch me anyway".

I also had a dream where I was coming back home from a trip and he was just in our house with my mom as if he had never left. Might sound normal to you but you have to know that I haven't seen him in years and I keep any texting contact with him as minimal as possible. Might sound harsh but I don't have the intention of ever integrating him in my life again. I basically grew up without him and I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

Now the thing is the dreams I've been having lately are different from what I usually dream. They seem more intense and realistic, plus they won't leave my mind.

I'm confused because I thought I was done with the daddy-chapter but apparently my subconscious isn't. And as hard as it is - I think it is important to understand your subconscious mind.

Let me know if you know a thing or two about dreams because I don't but I feel like understanding what's going on in my head is the only way of making those thoughts leave.

Mentally I thought I had been doing better lately. I've started going on daily walks with my husband and I've been really happy. Today we fought about a really stupid thing though and I feel like every time we do fight I just go back to where I started mentally. It's annoying because I have to start over and get happy again and again every time something happens.

Isn't it sad having to chase a thing as simple as happiness so persistently? I know it's something you can't force - and I'm not trying to - but crying all day every day can't be the solution either. I have to actively work against the depressing thoughts if I ever want them to stop.

I just hope that one day I won't have to worry about what a simple argument is going to do to my mental health and that I can just ignore it and focus on the positive things in my life.