Judgement

Sorry for my posts being so inconsistent but I have to be in the right mood to write these entries if you know what I mean.

I've been doing better lately and I've also been thinking a lot.

My husband in the end decided to stay with me because he was worried I might get the coronavirus, we are still having visa troubles but surprisingly those haven't been bothering me too much lately.. maybe because we don't talk a lot about it anymore.

Instead, I have been thinking a lot about a problem that affects me more emotionally than practically. And that is the fact that noone seems to be okay with Jake and me getting married at a young age. Even though it is not their business.

Now you need to know that I'm not generally a person who cares a lot about what other people think. In school as well as in university I am pretty much a loner, friendly with classmates but by no means close. My two best friends I kind of lost when I moved, we do occasionally text or videochat but what our relationships are like now can't really be compared to what they used to be.

I have never been very close with my family, my parents got divorced when I was in elementary and I haven't seen my dad in years. In the past years I've been a lot closer with my friends, I considered them my 'chosen, not assigned, family'.

This story begins last summer, just after I came back from about a month of traveling.

I personally feel like this month was one of the most important months for my personal development. It was somewhat like the beginning of a new chapter for me.

When I was sitting in the plane back home, I was thinking about my relationship with my mother and how it would be nice if it was better.

My dad used to ruin a lot of things for me that I wanted to do, like traveling or certain activities. He hadn't talked to me or seen me in years, yet he apparently thought he knew me well enough to make those decisions for me. Most of the times, I have to be honest, I think he just did it because he thought he might have to pay money for those activities which he did not want to (he definitely could have payed for it, he just didn't want to, I wouldn't have asked him to pay for anything though).

My situation made me come to the conclusion that the less my parents knew about me, the less they could ruin for me. This decision, unfortunately, also included my mother as my dad took away my trust in anyone who had any form of power over me.

I lived by this 'rule' I had made for myself until I was 18 which meant that they no longer had this power over me!

During the flight home, I decided I was going to be 100% honest with my mother and tell her about all the things I had been hiding from her.

I wrote a very heartfelt letter because I knew that in a conversation I would probably get emotional and forget some important points I wanted to mention.

I told her how I had been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts and how my (back then boyfriend) Jake really helped me get through that, that I wanted a better relationship with her and, finally, that I was considering getting married to him.

When I told her about the letter, she said she did not want to read it which really hurt my feelings. The same day, in an attempt to still be honest with her, I told her about wanting to get married to Jake.

What followed was awful. She freaked out, telling me I was making a huge mistake and that I hadn't thought about it properly. I felt like I was still being treated like a child even though I had put time and thought into presenting it in a mature way. No matter what I would've said in this situation, to her I was just being stupid and immature.

She eventually came back to me asking if she could read the letter now. I gave it to her and after reading it, she didn't really take any time to talk about all the other things I had mentioned, my suicidal thoughts for instance. Instead, she solely focused on the possible marriage.

After a few days of this, she left for a vacation with my sister and when she came back, I was about to leave for the UK.

We haven't really talked about it ever since and she doesn't know that in the end we did get married but I know that she wouldn't approve of it anyway.

This really makes me sad because I genuinely wanted to be closer to her but instead we are back to the time when I was still 16 and keeping secrets from her.

I did tell some people though - my chose family.

They reacted differently.

My best friend who I've known the longest says she's supporting me. I believe that and I am very happy that she does. But something about the way that she reacts when we talk about it tells me that even though she is supporting me, she isn't completely comfortable with the thought of me being married.

My other friend was more like my mother, worried but a lot less judgemental and more concerned about me being safe and truly happy. She doesn't know Jake very well and that's why I understand and appreciate that she is worried about me but it of course still feels a little bad to not fully have her support.

As you can see, noone really supports my decision 100% and that's what really hurts me because they are the people who are closest to me.

I feel like none of them accept me for who I truly am and what I want, or they think that I'm too young to know what I truly want.

It's true, I don't know everything I want in life... except for a few key things... including my decision to get married.

I have thought about it a lot and even though I usually have a tough time making decisions, I am very confident about this one being the right one. I know that I would regret it if I wouldn't have given it a shot, I would've always wondered 'What if?'

I just wish they could respect my decision and be happy for me.