So I thought I was feeling better... Sitting on the floor crying and writing this probably disproves that theory.
What happened? Not much, really, but it was enough for a mental breakdown if you have a mind like mine.
It all started with a little comment: I am currently trying to teach my husband German so he will be approved for a visa in Austria. He was doing a quiz online and asked me if he got the correct answer. The german word "Ameise" (ant) was what he said, I didn't get that right away though because as a beginner he of course has an accent and can't pronounce everything perfectly yet. So after figuring out what he was saying I explained to him how to pronounce it correctly. A minute later he left the room.
I didn't think much of it, I had fulfilled my teachers' duties and he prefers sitting in the living room over being in our room.
Another 5 minutes later I got an email from the austrian government. Bad news about the visa. Great. I texted him to come over because I had some news. No answer. I called... Declined. Eventually he did come over though, I was a little pissed though, because to me what he did there was a little rude - I was just trying to tell him the news.
So I told him and he left again without much of a comment.
I texted him "Nice being ignored for your phone as always" Looking at it now I have to admit, yes, I could've just ignored that he might have been a little rude.
His reply made me tear up instantly.
"Ok.. I'll check for flights home.. And I'm not next to you because I don't feel like being humiliated as always and feeling small."
I realized that he must've taken it the wrong way when I tried to help him with his pronunciation.
"Do you have any idea how you talk to me? I may be your husband but you sure have less respect for me than for anyone else."
This one hurt me even more. In more than one way.
1) I thought that our relationship had improved since the last big fight we had. Apparently it hadn't to him.
2) "You're so selfish" - a sentence I've heard from my parents many times when I was younger. I had always just ignored it. But him saying it? Contrary to what he claimed, I respect him more than anyone else in my life and hearing this from him made me think. Am I really such a monster? I can't really remember what I said to him that he could've taken the wrong way but maybe that's the problem. I don't even see it. My low self-esteem agrees that I'm a horrible person but I know I shouldn't trust it... or should I??
3) I am very insecure when it comes to having fights with him because I am scared of losing him or being apart from him. I've been in a few relationships before getting together with my husband, none of them were ended by me (another thing that feeds my low self-esteem) and I haven't been close to either of my parents since they divorced when I was younger. My best friends used to be my family but they are spread all over the globe now and we're not as close as we used to be. Jake is my family now. And who isn't scared of losing their family, right?
In the end we managed to talk about it. Well mostly him, I was crying...
It's highly likely that he won't get any visa and we have to go back to a long distance relationship.
That kind of shatters a new dream that's been forming in my mind:
Us, together in our house, maybe with a kid running around in a few year's time. No worries. A peaceful life.
Instead it's been replaced with this:
Me, alone in my room on a videocall with Jake, crying because I miss being hugged by him.
Basically a throwback to when we were in a long distance relationship, a time that I thought was finally over.