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Writer's pictureSarah

What am I doing here??

Updated: Mar 3, 2020

This whole thing is an experiment. I don't know at all what to expect from it. But as a wannabe scientist/curious and more and more desperate person, I want to try it.

"It" being this blog by the way.

And since I feel weird saying "my blog" I'm gonna call it my experimental diary from now on.


So why do I feel the necessity to share my personal thoughts and feelings with the internet? I don't really know. Self-therapy I guess. With the hope that the person reading this knows how to deal with life (because I don't) and might want to help me out. Basically, I am not trying to give advice to anyone. I'm asking for it.



If you're still reading at this point (which I really appreciate because I have no clue what I'm doing) you're probably curious to find out who I am.... or not but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

For privacy reasons I have chosen to call myself Sarah. Except for my identity, and probably other people's identities too, everything I am telling you is genuine and not made up.



I'm 19 years old, female and recently moved from Austria to the UK to study marine science. I have a husband, Jake, who I love very much and a dog which unfortunately had to stay back in Austria when I moved.

Nature conservation - especially marine conservation - are very important to me which is why I chose to study the course in the UK.

I enjoy doing arts and being outdoors doing sports like hiking or skiing in my free time.

Sounds like any ordinary girl, right?

Well to make this whole thing a bit more exciting why don't we throw some problems in this ordinary girls' life:



Number 1: Moving to another country and studying marine science has always been my dream but I've noticed: I don't enjoy being in the UK and my course isn't what I expected. After realising this, I had a small existential crisis. What had always been my dream and goal turned out to be awful and I was left with no dreams or goals at all.

I am now thinking of quitting and somehow getting a job in marine conservation. Unfortunately, you need a degree for most jobs in marine conservation. I am hoping to make up for the lack of a degree with some work experience I have collected over the past years but I am worried it won't be enough and no one will want to employ me.

Also my parents will kill me if I quit university... but that's just the cherry on top of this problem :)



Number 2: I met my husband online as he is not from Europe. Our story is kind of romantic you could say. We texted and videochatted for almost a year until he eventually bought a plane ticket to come see me. He then decided to quit university (he was in a similar situation as me, he simply was't enjoying it) to come live with me and work until he has enough money to start his own business.

Now the thing is to live and work in a foreign country you need a visa. I'm sure everyone has heard at least one story about how getting a visa is an extremely hard process that can take ages. And that's exactly how we've experienced it to be. Long story short: it's been half a year, he still doesn't have a visa for the UK and we don't know if he is eventually going to get one. We have now started looking into the visa requirements Austria has but of course every government has to make immigration tough and Austria is no exception.

This whole process has just been extremely frustrating and it is making it hard for us to make plans for the future as we don't even know which country we will be in. Jake suggested that he goes back to his home country but that means that either we will be in a long distance relationship again (which I definitely don't want, it was a very painful time for me) or that I will have to go through the process of getting a visa to stay with him and finding a job which definitely won't be easy and maybe even impossible.

At the moment I am just living with a constant fear that he will not be by my side in the near future and that this visa mess will eventually break our relationship.




Number 3: All of this, other minor problems, and things that have happened to me in the past have had their effect on my mental health. I used to have a suicide book which I gave to Jake as a symbol that the times of my depression were over but lately I have caught myself thinking of it again.

Jake says that I have changed in terms of being sad and having a negative outlook on life and I have to agree, I have cried myself to sleep frequently lately.

I have developed a kind of protection mechanism: I expect everything to go wrong or not work at all. That way when it does not work I won't be as disappointed because I was already expecting it! I know this is not a good way of coping with bad situations but I feel like I have forgotten how to be positive.

We even got into fights over this because Jake says he is starting to be dragged into my negativity. I of course never wanted this to happen but it just makes me feel even more devastated because I don't want to hurt him but I don't know how to fix my mental health either.


So now you know how messed up my life really is. Please feel free to comment with any questions, suggestions or anything else that comes to your mind after reading this.

Every comment is much appreciated!

Also, subscribe if you want to hear more about this mess called my life!




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