Since my husband left me, I have had a lot of time to think about a whole lot of things. I’m not going to lie, I’m not a very good thinker. I have these voices in my head that can turn anything into a bad thing that is somehow my fault. This makes me hate sitting around and thinking, it is demotivating and most of the time I end up crying, defeated by those bad thoughts.
One of those thinking nights I texted an ex-boyfriend of mine, mostly because I just wanted to talk to any human being to shut up those nagging voices in my head.
Even though it was not my intention, we somehow started talking about how it was when we were dating and he told me something I haven’t forgotten since: ‘You loved me so much I felt bad for not being able to return the same amount of love.’
I’ve always wondered why my previous relationships ended. One thing I know: It was never me who ended them. I don’t really believe in star signs but I’ve always identified with one quality leos, my star sign, are said to have. Loyalty.
When you first hear the word ‘loyalty’ you would probably say it has a positive connotation. It is a quality that is generally valued by society. To me, it has always felt like a bad thing, a burden, a weakness. To me, it means if I love someone I will love them hard and I don’t give up on them. It means I will never be the one to leave. No matter how I am treated.
Every time I go into a new relationship I hope that this time instead of a weakness it will be a strength. That it will make this relationship last. After all, loyalty is something that is often named as an important factor in happy relationships.
I have heard people say that they felt like their partner was suffocating them with their love and attention, their loyalty. I never really understood that. I would be thrilled if there was a person that loved me so much they would want to spend every second of their day with me. But apparently, I at least once made a person feel like that. And who knows, maybe everyone else I’ve ever been with felt like that too. Maybe that is why my husband wanted to leave.
Honestly, I am unsure what to make of this. Am I supposed to start loving people less because it makes them uncomfortable?? I always thought love is a good thing.
I mean, is there a better feeling in the world than knowing that you are loved?